Finding Me

How did I end up here? Where has everyone gone? I remember the good ole days, when I had many friends and was always doing things and going places. What happened to us? What happened to me?

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

I used to be carefree and spontaneous. I loved traveling, going to concerts, football games, dancing, karaoke, you name it. Not anymore. I’m falling apart and my world is closing in. I can’t let it.

The more pain I am in, the less I want to do. People just don’t wait around for people like me. My friendships have faded to only existing on social media. I see the pictures they post and they see mine, and that’s the extent of our relationships. My friends have distanced themselves and I don’t blame them. They want to do fun things and I’m physically limited. I get it.

I hate what’s happened to me. I still do some things, but I have to work around my illnesses. It’s annoying. I can’t be spontaneous anymore, everything is planned, partly due to pain, partly due to OCD.

Pain has affected my attitude, too. I’m positive the OCD adds to it, but I find that I get angry, frustrated, and stressed out over small, stupid things. I’ve mentioned before that I like things to be done a certain way and things kept in their place, and it upsets me when that doesn’t happen.

Every day when I wake up, I literally plan my whole day in my head. It’s ridiculous, really. If anything unexpected throws my plans off, I react negatively. I know I’m not the easiest person to live with because of it. I’ve found that I overreact by freaking out, then calm down about it, and then feel embarrassed for my actions and have to apologize to the recipient(s) of my wrath. It’s all so unnecessary.

I regret giving in to my pain and irrational frustrations. I gave up on me and spent the majority of my waking hours in a recliner watching TV, reading, or surfing the internet on my laptop. My doctors kept telling me to exercise and lose weight, but I didn’t listen. Until now.

I’m ready to find myself again. I’m ready to stop wasting time. Yes, I suffer from chronic pain, but I can’t let it control my life. I can’t sit here and merely exist while life passes me by. I am taking steps to improve my health and increase my activity. I’m going to try not to let little things bother me. I will think about things before I react. I have to practice patience, because things aren’t going to change overnight, but I am committed to getting mentally and physically healthier. I will find me again.

Image by lena dolch from Pixabay

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